I have great news for all fans of the game; Version 0.6.0 has just been released! It includes awesome new features, effects, and improvements from the last version. If you liked 0.5.x, you will likely love this major update :) https://sourceforge.net/projects/voretournament/files/

I'll let the release notes and screenshots speak from here. Because 0.6.0 is heavily changed compared 0.5.2, there is no patch available, and the whole game needs to be downloaded and replaced. Fortunately however, the torrent is also available, and I'm also seeding it now.

IMPORTANT: If the game crashes between level changes, try disabling "GLSL color control" from the Video menu. I'm not fully sure what the source of these crashes is, but this appears to fix it. It's likely an engine issue, which will probably be fixed in the future.

Also: Thanks to the Xonotic developers who helped me with several QC questions, that I needed for some code! If someone here hasn't tried Xonotic already, go ahead and do so! http://www.xonotic.org

* 0.6.0:

Bug fixes:

- Toggling g_vore while players were inside their predators would brake everything.

- Fix a bug that caused the bot AI to get stuck after bots were getting eaten.

- Fixed bots not knowing how to select the Grabber gun. They can now hold the Grabber for the first time in VT!

- Fix grabber checking the wrong ammo value while being hooked, causing the hook to disconnect while ammo was still available.

- Fix a bug causing ammo to get to negative values at times.

- Fix stomach states not being applied properly when swallowing more than 3 players, breaking the player model.

- (Re)fix players showing as floating stomachs after being spectated, then the spectator becoming an observer.

- Fixed a visual bug that caused spectated dead prey to not follow the stomach model.

- Spectating prey while chase_active was enabled showed the stomach model.

- Fix objects and surfaces showing through the stomach when the predator was too close to a wall. The stomach is now drawn in front of everything, covering anything intersecting it (except neighboring prey).

- Fixed a visual bug when being hooked, pressing crouch, and letting go of the hook button.

Features:

- Many new and exciting gameplay changes, graphics and sounds! Very more random and complex gameplay, as well as modern and exciting visual effects.

- Realistic micro / macro support, with player size depending on health. Being low on health will make you tiny, while having over-health makes you grow bigger. Size difference between predators and prey affects the damage you deal / take, how fast you swallow your prey, and other aspects. A feature for micro / macro lovers :)

- Slow swallowing. You no longer swallow your prey instantly when pressing the fire button while standing close to them. Instead, you need to aim at them for a second, and keep the fire button down until the swallow progress ring fills up.

- Swallow models for the slow swallowing feature. Prey can see theirselves sliding down the predator's throat as they're being swallowed, with a detailed view of their maw and gut.

- Prey can now see neighboring prey inside the same stomach.

- HUD rings that fill / empty with progress, indicating many important things, such as your swallowing / being swallowed progress.

- Floating names above players (ported from Xonotic). In team games, they will also show the health of your team mates, and tell you if you can heal them (replaces the old team icons above players).

- Post processing: Enabled HDR iris adaptation. This causes the view to get brighter when the player is sitting in a dark spot, and vice versa (same as in real life). Saturation will also lower when you're low on armor.

- Gameplay: Stomach kicks no longer have a direct escape probability. Instead, dealing any damage to a predator can make him randomly regurgitate his prey, stomach kicks included.

- Gameplay: Digestion is now applied to all prey at the same time. Also, by default, digestion damage is divided by the amount of prey you have. For instance, if digesting two prey at the same time, you will do half the normal damage to each.

- 4 new Nexuiz maps, including desert and snowy environments.

- Adapted the coloring system in Xonotic. The second customizable player color is no longer pants, but a bright neon-like glow. Can be seen on both players and weapons. Much prettier and more scifi-ish :)

- Improved bot AI for much smarter bots in many circumstances. They will choose their prey wisely based on size (and stay away from larger predators like anyone should), and take other decisions more wisely.

- Vore Tounament now has its own icon and logo, which is a pretty self explanatory symbol.

Known bugs:

- Due to the darkplaces engine not supporting custom bounding box (collision) sizes for movement prediction, player collisions do not change with size (only the size of the player model visually). This means that tiny players will have a large collision around them, while large players can partly go through walls. The camera can also go through the ceiling if it's too low, for macro players. I must wait for the engine to have customizable bbox sizes for this.

http://pics.nexuizninjaz.com/images/tmjwccsnqzugwyt28dsg.jpg
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http://pics.nexuizninjaz.com/images/92blfthfa27nuchk3ta.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNDaA2wR1Cc

Pure win =) I randomly came across the game last night, and found it worth sharing. The download is a little hard to come by, but I thankfully managed to get the latest version. Anyway, congrats to whoever made it! And hopefully, Nintendo won't dare to touch this one >:)

Since there's no official download (and the website is Japanese), here is a download locations of the version I got (should be latest), for those who are interested in playing it:

http://www.mediafire.com/?f7bcbocy14kb6gv

Good news to all Vore Tournament fans! Version 0.5.0 was just released tonight, bringing a LOT of new features and improvements. Some features were back-ported from Xonotic... but hey, this is a game forked from Nexuiz which Xonotic is a continue of, so I really just updated everything :) Anyway, I'll let the release notes talk from here on:

0.5.0 Release Notes:

**** New features:

- Updated to the latest darkplaces engine, which has several changes and improvements (especially better performance compared to the previous VT engine). The 64 bit version is also stable now, compared to the engine a few months ago.

- Lots of new effects and eye candy! This includes the HUD damage blur (proposed for Xonotic too), screen splashes when damaged or in the stomach, over-bloom, and many other effects. You can also see your weapon model inside the stomach now, and Grabber alt fire now uses a swing attack. The green goo will also wash off players now, although slowly.

- When getting swallowed, the volume of sounds and music are smoothly reduced, and music is turned down. This gives a pretty cool effect.

- Special crosshair indicators. One is the "coloring by health" feature from Xonotic. The crosshair will also turn into a (!) symbol when you can swallow an enemy, a (?) symbol when you can swallow a team mate, or a (/) symbol when you cannot swallow a player, making it easier to know.

- Prey now stays in the stomach after being eaten, rather than the predator throwing up their dead body. Even while dead, victims can still see their predator's belly.

- Ambient autotaunts for predators and prey. Predators will laugh when having someone inside their belly, while prey will cry out for help.

- Re-integrated armor system. Vore Tournament now has armor as well! There are no armor pickups (and likely never will be), but armor is self-rechargeable if you don't take any damage for several seconds (similar to Halo).

- Reload system for Grabber weapon, with crosshair ring indicating load (uses my reload code from Xonotic).

- Multi-jump feature (jumping again in the air). Ported from Xonotic, original code by me. By default, you can jump a second time in the air, UT2004 style.

- True type fonts for menu and HUD, like Xonotic. MUCH prettier than the old ones.

**** Bug fixes:

- Only major bugfix I noted was a bug that VT always had. The server tried animating the stomach model like the normal player model (which is a static md3), which caused a lot of console spam. I finally managed to nail down this issue, and prevent the model from being animated. This saves a lot of console spam with "developer 1" enabled, and might prevent some deeper technical issues as well.

**** Known bugs:

- Prey staying in the stomach after they die has a bug. Sometimes, their dead body is still thrown up, and it also collides when it is. The reason for this is still unknown.

- In Keyhunt, if you are inside a player's stomach when the round starts, your team's key can still be given to you (since KH keys are only dropped when you are swallowed). Not a real bug, but it looks ugly and is incorrect. The reason for this is known, and to be fixed in a later release.

- While reloading the Grabber, you may sometimes go below 0 ammo, and be able to reload and keep going down in minus. The reason for this is still unknown.

- Swallowed players still appear on the radar. Not a bug, but it looks ugly and isn't right. To be found and fixed.

**** Planned features:

- Many players requested that swallowing is done slowly rather than instantly. Although this is harder for a 3D project, I will see what I can do in 0.6. No promises though!

- I plan to try improving the media and assets a bit in the next release. Although this depends on what content I'll have available, and to which extent I can adapt it.

End of 0.5.0 Release Notes:

Those are the main changes that come to mind. What would help a lot if anyone is willing, would be any feedback and bug testing of this version. I still don't test Multiplayer with anyone, nor can find all of the bugs by myself.

It would also help the project if players could spread the word about it! This is not a game for vore lovers only, and is currently quite advanced and fully playable for any gamer. Of course, you DO have to not mind vore and furries... but even if you're not specifically into them, VT might still be a game for you :D

Latest version can be downloaded from the [url=https://sourceforge.net/projects/voretournament/files/]SourceForge page[/url]. Either download the zip archive, or via the torrent file also posted there (if you do, please seed the torrent as well). Feel free to try it out and let me know what you think :D Have fun!

Screenshots and video below. The first two pics still contain the outdated HUD.

http://pics.nexuizninjaz.com/images/z255oes6c4785bd1um1z.jpg
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2tKfpCh8zk

I previously made several journals about some companies that are abusing laws to ban everything they don't like (such as my rants about Nintendo). Today however, I've come across the worst of them all. And yes, I'm VERY upset, and will be ranting heavily here.

If the people at Nintendo were trying to block screenshots of their games being posted on any website, those other idiots are so crazy that they're trying to ban DISCUSSION of certain features in their games. In other words, they're making it illegal to discuss cheat codes, spoilers, and other areas in some of some their games. They have even taken down several fan websites that have posted such. Yes... just for posting some GOD DAMN LINES OF TEXT explaining how to find secret areas in certain levels!

This has gone far enough! Honestly, I'm willing to demolish those companies within their own buildings! I believe the community needs to stand up for this right now! These stupid rich companies are a danger to the entire internet! Where will this lead to? Will every website get taken down for things they SAY now?! I'm utterly sick of this happening on the entire internet, where I (like many people) spend time daily. God damn it people!!

At this point, I kindly ask everyone who wishes to (and has it in them) to start flaming these companies, and the company that is doing this now. Send them some spam or virus emails. Or send them some attack yiff art, like I did to Nintendo. If no one does anything, those people will destroy and oppress the ENTIRE INTERNET! It's time to act! I already started spamming their emails, and drawing some very nasty yiff art to attack them with (I'll post it here when it's ready). This time, they wont know what hit them >_> You can consider me crazy if you like, but I've simply had enough. Hopefully, I won't get in any trouble with the law for going this far.

Lastly, I'm going to post some links to articles that better explain what is happening. Who this company is, and what websites they have taken down. Please read them!

http://tinyurl.com/36hbk6

http://tinyurl.com/8ljf

http://tinyurl.com/3ofdkc5

http://tinyurl.com/6jxp3ng

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/3642029/ (random FA search on the matter)

So yep everyone. This was my very bad idea for an April Fools joke. Based on real past events, such as my rants about Nintendo and the yiff pic I sent to them. Don't worry though. At least up to this day, no company went as far as censoring discussion about any of their games. And hopefully, that won't ever happen lol (else I WILL be upset). Also, I'd never encourage anyone to flame other people... unless I'd get upset beyond any level xD. So, happy April Fools everyone!

So a few days ago I was randomly browsing around for some good furry games. I came across something called The Legend Of Krystal, which is an yiff flash game where you play as Krystal and get yiffed by a dinosaur tribe to gain experience and advance. It's a pretty basic flash game for now, and still unfinished. But then I read the project is Open Source and actively developed by a team, that's working on adding new levels and expanding it into a larger RPG. Since I love yiff, Krystal, and Open Source, I immediately fell in love with it. And since it's in development, I thought it would help to spread the word for those who would be interested.

So if anyone is curious, I posted a Youtube vid of the first levels below (hope it stays there due to the yiffy content). They also have a website and forum, which can be found at http://legendofkrystal.com/ To play the game right now from your browser, just click this link: http://legendofkrystal.com/game/Legend%20of%20Krystal%20v0.2.swf Enjoy :-) And if you like what you see and know flash, please consider contributing to its development if you'd like.

Copied from http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1728756/

A few months ago, I made a journal mentioning a story about a Pokemon fangame I used to play. For those who haven't seen it, the open source game Pokenet was taken down by Nintendo for the simple reason that "it was a Pokemon fangame" ( http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1480286/ ).

Today, Nintendo strikes again. This time using means that have never been seen before in the history of gaming and internet law (at least to me, correct me if I'm wrong); Qualifying screenshots as illegal material, from their new Pokemon Black & White game. Yep... you heard right. It is illegal to post screenshots of the new game to the public! And they already notified and asked ISP services to remove the internet accounts of people who were hosting any screenshots. I read about it on :iconforceswerwolf:'s journal, over here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1728581/ (thank you for posting this info for everyone to see). As mentioned in that journal, this is the email that many people have received from Nintendo:

Dear Sir or Madam:

We are legal counsel to Nintendo of America Inc. (referred to here, with its parent and affiliated
companies, as “Nintendo”). As you are no doubt well aware, Nintendo is one of the world’s
leading developers and distributors of video game products. The Pokémon franchise is one of
Nintendo’s most popular game series, and the upcoming release of the Pokémon Black and
Pokémon White video games has garnered significant media attention. The intellectual property
associated with the games, including the copyright in the underlying software code, visual
depictions of the games, and characters found within the games, is the subject of copyright
protection in the United States and abroad.

We recently learned that you have posted screenshots and other protected content from the
Pokémon Black and Pokémon White games to your website at [...].com While
Nintendo appreciates your interest in and support of the Pokémon game series, your publication
of this content infringes Nintendo’s copyrights in violation of federal law. Your activity also and
has the potential to cause substantial damage to Nintendo, and leaves Nintendo with no choice
but to take steps to protect its intellectual property rights.

We have accordingly submitted a copyright infringement notice to your domain registrar under
the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, and anticipate that your website will be taken down shortly.
We encourage you to immediately remove from your website all graphics, screenshots, and
other protected content taken from the Pokémon Black and Pokémon White games. Going
forward, you must also refrain from posting any screenshots, videos, or other content that
infringes Nintendo’s rights in the Pokémon series or any other game.

Your full and immediate compliance with the foregoing should render further action on
Nintendo’s part unnecessary. It is essential that we receive your written response confirming
that you have taken these necessary actions by Sunday, September 19, 12:00 p.m. PDT,
however, or Nintendo will have no choice but to consider its alternative legal remedies.

This pretty much takes internet dictatorship (and commercial misery) to a new level. I almost feel like throwing up, just imagining the epileptic seizure these people must be getting from obsessing over the money they will / won't be getting, and taking desperate actions like these to get as much as possible. But what scares me is that the law allows such a thing (making screenshots illegal)! Honestly, is China's dictatorship totally moving over to America and Europe? What is wrong with you people who make the laws? How the heck can you make a thing such as user-taken SCREENSHOTS illegal, and actually make / allow laws for psychopaths like this?

Dear Nintendo: After what happened with the Pokenet game, I only disliked you. Now, I am disgusted of you. Honestly, I  don't think I would touch one of your employees with a stick from a few meters away. Perhaps you should move to Korea, or some communist country that still allows internet and make games there. To them your behavior would seem normal (you can even make laws to put a bullet in someone's head for posting screenshots of your game... some countries still allow that, and I know how happy that would make people like you). You are now in the list of commercial misery that I dearly hope to see eradicated from the face of this world (others too if companies exist there). I deeply hope no one will buy your game, and that everyone will pirate it instead. I'll personally try to share as many copies as possible after this event, to make sure I decrease the amount of money you get by as much as I can. Because people like you need to get as little of it as possible, if any justice or balance is to be made in this world (and believe me, I share a cracked game when I say I do).

I also hope that all Nintendo employees who need to inject money in their veins like drugs in order to live will be sitting at the corner of the street in a cardboard box, begging for money in the rain... for at least a few months of their lives. If my distribution of the pirated version of your game will help with that, I will be even happier to do it! Thank you, and have a good day spitting on everything and everyone for some money that no one will give you any more after everything you've done. We'll all be gathering and praying that Nintendo disappears as a company as soon as possible (even if the infection from it will spread throughout other companies). You disgust us Nintendo... because you are nothing more than a gathering of the worst low-lifes in the commercial world.

Related links (please see these too):

http://bulbanews.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Fansites_served_with_copyright_infringement_notices
http://forums.officialnintendomagazine.co.uk/viewtopic.php?t=71697
http://www.destructoid.com/nintendo-threatens-pokemon-fansites-with-closure-184394.phtml
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/103618-Nintendo-Bullies-Fan-Sites-Over-Pokemon-B-W-Pics
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=23424880

Since it's been almost another year since I last posted here, I thought to copy a journal from my Furaffinity regarding a subject that got me pretty started when it happened. I can't stop being disgusted by commercial companies and their attacks against everything they can hit on. Anyway here it is:

I decided to look into this again and post a journal about it, two months after the incident happened. Note that I don't play any Nintendo games (except a few GBA roms which I like very much). I'm posting this for doing the right thing and showing the misery behind some people (also because I spend a lot of time around games especially open source ones).

Many FA users are prolly Nintendo fans, and have played some of their games or own some of their consoles. Some even love them and believe they are good people, like I seen in some journals and thought myself a while back. They are not even close among the few "good commercial companies" however, which was confirmed by a recent event.

On 1 april this year, Nintendo sent a cease and desist letter to a Pokemon fangame I used to play a while back. It was a fan game imitating the GBA Pokemon (such as Pokemon Emerald). It was pretty good and a promising project, that was completely online based. The game was free and open source, so no money was being made from it (apart from hosting donations which are discussable). Still, even given how popular Pokemon is for so many years, and how much fan art and fan content was made for it, they still decided to attack it for copyright reasons. http://mynintendonews.com/2010/04/03/nintendo-nintendo-shuts-down-7000-player-pokemon-online-game/

Of course everyone has their own opinion on fan games, and how right or wrong they are. To me personally, this is one of the biggest insults a company can throw to its fans and possible players. Think of a popular FA artist having someone make fan art of them. They make no money from it and specify who the character belongs to, without doing anything harmful to that person (putting effort to draw someone for free involves a level of appreciation for them). I would find it slightly rude for the artist to actually not say "thank you for thinking of me and making the effort to draw me for free", let alone something as horrific as accusing them of theft! Such games are work done for free, and I don't believe they could make anyone loose any actual amount of money. So yeah, I basically find this a very low and horrible thing, even for a commercial company. I despise Nintendo after this, whereas right before I thought they're actually nice.

My advice to anyone who buys from Nintendo is to avoid them from this point on. I don't believe such people deserve to be given any money, including money from some fans who buy their stuff just to get slapped over the face with something else. Of course I'm not saying what anyone should do or anything of that sort... just what I believe would be the right thing. I also believe fans should try to pressure such companies to leave fan games alone, and understand why such things are plainly wrong. I emailed them with my vision about this too.

Judging by this, anyone here on FA who's drawn Pokemon fan art could be emailed by Nintendo and asked to take down their gallery. I'm actually surprised this hasn't happened already. I believe all companies need to understand what fan art and fan games are, and get out of their little dark box where everything equals theft. If you agree with my point on this, lets discourage such companies and stop buying from them, and encourage them to change rather than giving them money for doing such low things.

Feel free to link or copy this journal, if anyone wishes to spread the info and show what Nintendo does (of course they're not the only ones, there's much worse). In the ending of this journal, I'd like to give a huge "SHAME" to Nintendo for doing what they do *thumbs down*

I got back from the seaside around two weeks ago and am currently in a trip to France (my real life father works here so I sometimes get to come for a few weeks). Third time I visit France overall, and it's a really nice place from what I seen. I'm in a nice little city called Metz, pretty close to the border with Germany.

Have to say it's good to visit the civilized world from time to time, and sad not to get to stay in it. I don't consider Romania a country any more, more like a forgotten village of ignorant people trying to simulate a civilized existence (at least we have good internet though). I'm still a little surprised when I see a country where people have fun activities, are a bit nicer, the city is clean and everything's in place and you don't feel you hate everything around yourself when you go outside. But yeah... over a clear and unbreakable law of the universe concerning some people, nice things can only be had temporarily whereas bad things are the default permanents one must live with.

Still trying to learn French at the moment... rather in the hope I may find some French furs in the area (would likely be too shy for a real life meetup still). I wonder why I could never find anyone from France in english online communities though, since many French people know english pretty well. Anyway I'm still here for at least two weeks and will be online from my laptop.

Since I said I'll post some pictures from the seaside (about two years ago heh), my journal is inactive and real life doesn't always look that ugly, here are some photos from the place I'm at now :) Btw, I never seen a picture management system worse then LiveJournal's >.>

Yeah, I'm posting again after 8 more months of inactivity, now with more news about my horrible life and better english than last time. Given I have more active friends on LJ than last time (such as my beautiful sister cal_foxx and lovely mother spectravixen) I thought it would make things easier to write about myself once again. Currently I am at the seaside, and about to enjoy being here for two more weeks. I also renovated my LJ page a bit for this revival :)

As expected, things haven't been going too well for me, which of course means they have been going worse. I feel that my power to keep living on this world is coming to an end, that every day of my life is growing to a horrible curse, and my only wish at this point is for my life to end as soon as possible. There are several reasons why I feel this way... my body's parents who's daily presence makes me feel stressed, the governments that lead this world which are making everything difficult, impossible and illegal each day, my inability of adapting to today's society and on top of it all I need a real fur more then I ever have.

As of recent I realized that all doors in this world are closed for me, due to not having the necessary power to 'serve' this society and obtain money, an object that's needed for making any move other then breathing. I am condemned to living in this house with my body's parents and to a life where the only thing I am allowed to do is eat and take a walk. I was planning on moving to America and living with spectravixen , but the society of our days will make sure that won't happen due to how difficult it is to obtain a citizenship. Apart from that I realize that I could never adapt to living with anyone in this life, sadly including kin until we return to our true selves. I am still not used to interacting with people offline, and to me any unknown person in a human body is like a scarecrow.

The factor which has been hurting me most though is my increasing dislike for humans and my increasing love for furries. Yesterday I had a moment in which I hated humanity to my worst. That happened after a friend of my body's parents told me what I needed to know to be sure that I could never get to the US. I felt like slaughtering and destroying every single human being... for being the way they are, for having the society and governments they have. At the same time my feelings for furs have gotten stronger, and my bond to them bigger. I love anthros more then I thought I could ever love anything, and I swear that if even one existed on this world I'd kill to become their slave in any way possible for all of my life. Every time I browse through furry artwork I feel that nothing could be more painful then not having such a beautiful creature to be with, and touch, stroke, kiss, give into. The sadness of missing them will probably destroy me before anything else could. Why I feel the way I do... for me it's the instinct of my kin nature, who and what I am.

Either way, there is a possibility that all of it may soon end. My heart problems seem to still be there, and after seeing details about similar case on TV I suspect I already had a minor heart attack a couple of months ago. I hope that someone may allow me to leave this life soon, and go to a better world where I can have my real kin and where there's freedom and the possibility to live without corrupt governments.

Please feel free to drop a comment here, I'm trying to see how many users still access my journal and if it's worth to use it more often. Love you all, kins and furs.

Wanted to say hello to everyone for the new year (5 days late but oh well) and check what has changed around LJ since last time I've been here. I still use it from time to time and didn't abandon it, even though I haven't posted here for over 6 months now. Haven't been feeling like writing so much lately and usually hanged around IRC and messenger, but maybe things will get more active here as well.

Ok. So now after I just discovered I have a bunch of mental issues like I wrote in my last entry, since the last week I found out I also have two physical issues with my body, which this time I'm really not happy at all with. It was to be expected with my situation really, but still I wasn't really expecting to have them so early yet.

So, what are these issues about; For more then a month I kept feeling a pull in my chest on the left side at times, exactly over heart. From the way I'm feeling it, I appear to be having some heart problems, most likely related to having too much "grease" on my heart which of course comes from lack of movement and physical activity. My second issue is something my irl mother noticed yesterday while I was leaning forward; my back appears to be slightly deformed on the right side, where I also keep experiencing pains for more then a month. Sometimes it's even hard for me to sit down without feeling uncomfortable from back pains, while I constantly feel general pains in my back every second for some time (small ones though). This one happens because I spend my time on a chair all day and the only time I get up and go out of my room is when I go eat, go to the bathroom or go sleep.

Of course I have some other issues I already knew about too, such as my bones making weird noises and hurting if I even move too much, or that I can hardly walk without holding onto the walls any more at times. I can agree with everyone that all of these issues are caused precisely by me not going out to do something and just sitting down on a chair all day, but like most people know the reason I do this is because there isn't anything for me to do outside of my room. I'm also not much into sports and activity, and as it's clearly known I'm not by far a fan of the "get born -> go to school -> get a job -> get a family -> die" style of life, and that isn't an activity for me.

Technically it's my fault because I do nothing for myself, but I personally blame it on being born here where I shouldn't have been, and born in a place where I have nothing else to do then stay in a room all day and either watch TV or stay at my computer. I guess I'm both a little scared and sad about it, basically more sad then scared but yet I can't blame myself I had to choose to live like this as I don't feel like I had any other choice. On the other side I wonder if I would be to get judged if I die because of a heart attack or something else, and be accused of "killing myself" though without the direct intention of doing so. I'm also worried I could get paralyzed from issues or something else, but meh.

For now I'm waiting to go to some specialists and medics and see if they can fix these things. Later on I guess the issues will be back once I return to sitting down all day long, but like I said, if no other choice is given I'll just find a corner, sit there and lay there forever. Final thing I hope at this moment is that if there is a fate watching from above, they will see what being so careless and ignorant can cause to people. And here I'm talking about the fact that I, as a, kitsune was born in a place on this world where I could never have any friends or people I could want to meet, and noone else like me. One day I hope such things will get better controlled, though at this moment I have the feeling I need to make someone pay, though that will slowly pass.

So I recently discovered something new about myself that is something quite... well, interesting to discover all of a sudden. They're things I realized for quite some time now but didn't know they're known issues that actually have a name and description. To put it shortly, after coming up on some info and reading a few descriptions, I discovered I have several mental disorders.

Till now I discovered at least two mental issues that I have, the first one being Asperger. For those who don't know what it is, asperger is basically a lighter form of autism. It doesn't cause a person to be unable to talk, think or live normally at high levels, but it causes them to be less able to focus, have a different perception of reality and sometimes do things such as talking incorrectly, not hearing what other people say, ect. I noticed for example how I was once talking to someone and I was unable to focus, and kept looking in another direction and talking nonsense which probably left the person thinking I was drunk or something.
There are many other things I noticed too, such as the way I permanently perceive everything around me as a dream (caused by my mind being slower with certain things, my awareness is much more limited), the fact I'm extremely tired all the time, and other general experiences which clearly prove it's a medium form of asperger and I do indeed have a light form of autism. Some may likely be able to notice it from the way I write and type too.
Asperger is something you are born with and there is currently no cure for it. Even if there was I would never take one however, because, as weird as that may sound, its something that I enjoy living with because it allows my mind to live in this state of warmth and relaxation which is something that is very nice and I would never want to give that away. I believe that in my situation, it's caused by what I am as my otherkin self, and the fact that I am spiritually a kitsune using a human body which causes such problems with my mind here.

The second issue I have is Anxiety Disorder. This one is more common, though once again I don't have the lightest form of this issue either. This explains a lot of my feelings, constant fears and depressions. Till now I considered that all of them are my fault any my fault only, and that I brought everything upon me. That's probably not false but still, it's once again another genetic issue that I was born with (I am not perfectly sure here as I may have gotten it over time rather then from birth).
In almost all situations, I cannot do absolutely anything about it. The only solutions are medicine (such as anti-depressives) and/or seeing a psychologist. Given how much I like being around people, I would much more rather stick with the medicine. If I don't want to go insane I will probably need a good bunch of meds in the near future.

So what now? Truth is that discovering these made me feel much better, because now I know it's a known issue that's causing this and it wasn't my fault for everything that was happening to me. Both of these issues make it very hard for me to interact with people however... and even if I don't really care about that much it might cause me some trouble in life and stuff. But until then, I'm still here and well, and now that I know about it I hope I can get myself to see things another way and get rid of some of the worries I have.

Yeah... I know I've been really silent in the past few months as I haven't used LJ a lot. Just posting to let everyone know I'm still around and still using this account and all. Wish something more exciting would go on LJ so I would get to post here more often *nods*

So yes... it's almost christmas time it seems. Time runs really fast sometimes... at least in my current perception of it. Mostly spent my time like every day, though I had some stuff to get busy with since last time I posted here... from helping and testing with SL Opensim most of the day, to taking the driving lessons for getting my drivers license irl, and about to go to the last lesson the day after tomorrow, after which I can try to give the exam next year.

So... what else happened? Well I got to talk with my kitsune family and my beautiful mother a little more, which has made me very very happy. I also decided to still poke around the Linden grid from time to time until Opensim is more complete, despite the violence that went (and still goes on) in there. As for feeling better, no, I haven't been feeling better at all.

Today was a very interesting day. I woke up at 9:30 am after going to bed at my usual hour of 4am to go to today's driving lesson, which was fortunately short thanks to the water for washing the window freezing in its tank and the window getting dirty all the time. After the lesson I got back home to get ready for the theoretical driving lesson, which was just after a few hours. The same story as yesterday repeated however, and the power grid failed and left parts of the city without electricity again. The only difference was that this time it lasted 6 hours, while yesterday it was only 3, even in the middle of the city... though I handled myself with candles and flashlights.

I went to the second lesson soon after, which I also did only by half as the power failure reached there soon after and left us in the darkness in the middle of the lesson (it was so funny when the people at a mini-market I was passing next to where selling at candles like it was a market from ancient times and the shopkeeper looked like a witch ^_^). Anyway, shortly before 9pm the power came back on.

Well, today wasn't actually that simple though *sighs*. My day was honestly a nightmare. Firstly, before I left for the 2nd lesson, I suddenly found myself called on a channel on irc, on which a bunch of people who hacked the channel and became admins and operators called me at random apparently, and made me handle an entire hour of bashing, flames and insults, for being a fur, for our beliefs and what not. I didn't know what was happening at first, eventually thought someone may have gotten drunk or on drugs or depressive or something. Anyway, after an entire hour of violence and rotten kinder garden "conversations", I left my computer in need of sedatives and carried on with the rest, but now I started having creepy things happening to me at the end of the night.

While I was sitting in the darkness waiting for the power to get back on... well I was also very tired all day due to waking up early and all, so I was kinda in-between. I sat there and was beginning to fall half-asleep while I closed my eyes and left my mind imagine by itsself. I starting getting images with my eyes closed, basically combinations of what my eyes seen during the day. I was still awake though just disconnected from real life and... well this is interesting; the things that came in my mind are basically the same annoying dreams I have at night. I tried to examine why that's what I get, and why I don't get taken to the places I want to when I disconnect. I started to creep out, as I was seeing people I didn't like... and a zombie at the end who had a white face which was changing shape and becoming scary and ugly, like a devil. I stopped and opened my eyes after that. Each time I get taken to such places like when I dream at night, I am depressed and I don't like it at all. I also sometimes hear cusses and yells in my head, and see people beating each other and stuff when I close my eyes. Really don't know where I got that from :(

Well after that in the next hours, I started feeling as depressed as it could get. The demon/devil/spirit that possesses me and tortures me like this since so long had its worst power now. I kind of lived the next hours as a nightmare, though of course I was acting perfectly normal and all. I hanged around on irc and messenger from my mobile, feeling the need to ask my family for help, but I knew noone could help me and I would only complain and annoy people. I'm getting very certain I have become the feeding slave of some evil spirit, that tortures me that way on a daily program, since so long.

I'm afraid my kitsune self is in danger, and I may risk being hurt badly if nobody helps me soon. I know it is not just me being scared of the world like my mother believes. It may have started from that, but now I'm possessed by this thing that tortures my mind every day and keeps me in pain, even physical pain at this point. I usually hang around on irc trying to ask for help, but don't know how and what to do. Anyway, as long as I'm still alive I will be around and probably get better, if I'm lucky.